The Monkees (1968)

...but you certainly wouldn't want to be kidnapped there! The Monkees' second season opener finds The Monkeemobile breaking down in El Monotono, Mexico. While Lupé, a mechanic, looks her over, the boys go into Pedro's Café, where Davy falls in love with Angelita, the pretty waitress, but her father, Pedro, the café's namesake proprietor, orders him to leave. José, a bandito, backs him up with a knife because Angelita is the woman of El Diablo, a.k.a. The Bandit Without A Heart. The boys stack up their chairs on tables and get Davy away. To earn money (all $14.95 of it) to finance the repairs to their vehicle (replacing her whole engine!), The Monkees persuade Pedro to hire them for the cafe and are a huge success, with their new tune ""What Am I Doing Hangin' ‘Round?"". As Davy is kissing Angelita goodbye, El Diablo and his band of banditos burst in. E.D. humiliates Davy by shooting at his feet but Angelita still claims her love for him. As a result, the bandits drag Davy to their camp w

David, Michael and Micky go the old, abandoned Mammoth studio lot, where J.L., a sly con artist posing as a director, hires them for a movie. He dresses them as hoods and sends them to rob a bank, telling them he is using hidden cameras. The Monkees snap a picture of themselves and J.L. with his henchman, Harvey, for publicity, but J.L. discards it. J.L. tells Harvey his scheme is foolproof: either they will get rich, or The Monkees will be caught and go to jail! The boys enter The Ninth National Bank with Thompson submachine guns—scaring everybody in sight—get 50 grand, and return to the studio, amazed at the quality of their acting. Peter goes to the wrong stage at the wrong time, and so is too late to join his pals for the great holdup scene. J.L. pays them $100 each and then tips off the cops. When police converge upon the pad, The Monkees think it's another shooting; the Sergeant orders one of his officers to go in after the boys. The nervous cop enters the pad clutching a machine

In a lavish hotel, oil-rich King Hassar Yaduin of Nahudi informs Princess Colette, his beautiful daughter, that Vidaru, his sinister prime minister, has consulted the stars, and they say she must marry at once. He suggests Vidaru, but Colette rejects him and picks Davy out of a magazine. Abdul and Shazar appear at the pad, leave Davy's gold in weight, and carry him off in a sack, presenting an invitation to Micky, Mike and Peter for Davy's wedding to Colette Yaduin. Davy balks but changes his mind about marriage when told that Colette visits the grave of a boy who turned her down. Micky, Mike and Peter are thrown out when they try to find Davy. As Davy and Colette fall in love at first sight she pleads that he keep her out of Vidaru's clutches. In disguise, Micky, Mike and Peter get rid of Abdul with a phony bomb scare. The boys don't think that Davy should marry Colette but are won over by the beautiful harem The King presents to them. Swarmed by beautiful harem princesses, Davy assig

The Monkees and Mr. Swezey, Mrs. Homer, and Mrs. Filchok, their elderly neighbors, face eviction to make way for a parking lot. ""Private Citizen"" Michael protests to Mayor Motley's office, unaware that the mayor is being paid by Wilbur Zeckenbush, a corrupt construction tycoon bent on tearing down the whole city for parking lots, so that no one may enter or exit without paying him a toll. Swezey, Homer, and Filchok are then forced to move into The Monkees' pad until they find new places. Convinced he must run for mayor himself (he's the only one with a hat to throw in the ring!), Michael searches for a public image, trying out as George Washington, Abraham Lincoln and Lyndon Baines Johnson, but finally settles on his own little wool hat. Micky, David and Peter act as campaign manager, campy aide, and aide-de-camp, respectively, as they launch an outrageous campaign singing ""No Time,"" but all their little political tricks go wrong because Zeckenbush pays everybody off. To make matters w

Peter's paintings of a door is so realistic that Micky bombs his head when he tries to go through it, and Mike suggests that he goes to the museum for inspiration by the real painters. There, Chuche, a guard bumps his head as he tries to walk through one of Peter's paintings of a door near a classical picture. He grabs Peter and makes ready to slug him when his boss, Duce, suggests they switch one of Peter's copies with a masterpiece and make a fortune. While the thieves wait impatiently, Peter copies the 1624 Franz Hals' masterpiece, The Laughing Cavalier, but can't stop adding finishing touches. To avoid the curator, Duce and Chuche hide Peter in the basement, where they, declaring that artists must suffer, gag and bind him. During breakfast, Micky, Mike and Davy realize that Peter is in trouble come to his rescue. At the museum they search through all sorts of studios, where they encounter a finger (and a foot!) painting artist and Liberace making a smashing cameo appearance as a pi

At the beach, Micky is trying to impress Brenda, a beautiful, yet empty-headed blonde girl. As Bulk, a muscleman, overpowers Micky and walks off with Brenda, Shah-Ku, a physical cultist, hands him a card advertising his bodybuilding course. Shah-Ku takes Micky to his gym, where he does his level best to see that Micky fails the 3 tests given to him (a greased rope, pulleys, and weightlifting), so he can con him into joining his $150 health plan. Micky is bewildered as to how he, an unemployed drummer, can conjure up such cash; Shah-Ku suggests he hock his drums. At the pad, the other Monkees, Davy and Peter, try to convince Micky to save money (and his drums) by using their own physical program. The next day, Micky feels ready to take on Bulk, but Davy and Peter decide to handle it without violence. On the beach, Davy dares Bulk to step over a series of lines, while Peter paint spots on his back. When Davy runs away, Peter returns, garbed as a doctor, to try to convince Bulk he's wasti

The Monkees drive to Swineville (having missed Highway 101 by 2 blocks!), where The Weskitts and The Chubbers have been feuding for generations. They force the quartet to stand on a white line dividing the two, because they both hate strangers. As David—all guns upon him—nervously walks down the middle of the street on the white line in hopes of finding some help, Ella Mae Chubber grabs David, yanks him into a haystack, and kisses him. Paw Chubber holds a gun to David's head and tells him they're engaged, but Judd Weskitt, who loves Ella Mae, enters and guns start popping all over. During the fusillade, Judd and 155 year-old Maw Weskitt (who was born during the Civil War and her need for vengeance is the reason for her longevity) kidnap David, while Paw Chubber finds Ella Mae in the haystack with Micky and greets him as his new son-in-law. Since Ella Mae is turning 16 years old the next day and doesn't want anybody calling her old maid, he doesn't care who she marries, and captures Mic

Leonard Sheldon, a con artist, tries to sell Peter the city of San Diego. Peter refuses to buy it but swaps his $108 guitar for Blackbeard's treasure map. The Monkees row out from their set on the Columbia Pictures lot to the island to search for treasure. In the underbrush, they set off an alarm, waking up Major Pshaw. Pshaw, who has been hunting for the treasure for a decade, tells his man Thursday that a fate worse than death awaits Peter, Micky, Mike and Davy. Having captured them in a net hoisted by a crane driven by Thursday, Pshaw invites them for tea and crumpets, and declares to the boys that he shoots all trespassers. Davy asks for a fair chance and Thursday persuades his master to give The Monkees a head start. At the beach, The Monkees find their boat missing, hampering any chance they have of escaping! After a brief encounter with eccentric German Dr. Schwartzkov, The Monkees hear a Tarzanesque jungle yell and a leopard skin-clad octogenarian swings into view and falls do

Davy, Micky and Peter are engaged to play really weird native instruments for the Druvanian National Ballet. Ivan slips microfilm in the toe of the slipper of his dancing partner, Natasha Pavlova. Natasha can't bear dancing and rehearsing twenty-four hours a day, and hides in The Monkees' instrument trunk, unbeknownst to the boys, who are kicked out of the theater by Nicolai, the ballet master, and Ivan, who can't bear the sound of their weird music. The Monkees grab their trunk—Natasha hidden inside—and carry it with them. Ivan declares Natasha and the microfilm gone, but Nicolai insists Druvania will get it back at all costs, even at the expense of human life. Back at the pad, Natasha pops out and threatens Davy and Micky at gunpoint, while she falls in love with Peter. Micky gets hold of the pistol and threatens Natasha and Peter. Crying and sobbing, Natasha declares that this was her final chance to stay in America. Micky and Davy report to Nyetovich, the Ambassador, who denies of

On the way to a job as hotel musicians, a motorcycle gang buzzes The Monkees. They soon book up at the Henry Cabot Lodge and Cemetery (""If You're Dying To Have A Good Time…See Us""), where they learn from Mr. Blauner, the owner, that they are to double as waiters, bellhops and groundskeepers. Hidden under helmets and goggles, the motorcycle gang shows up at the hotel. The boys try to leave but Blauner makes them stay to take care of their guests—who prove to be four beautiful girls: Nan, Jan, Ann, and the leader, Queeny. The boys make a play for them but are rebuffed at every turn. Deciding they must be rough to win them, The Monkees imagine a School Of Hard Knocks And Bruises, under the tutelage of Micky. When the girls see the boys in Marlon Brandoesque-leather gear as motorcycle freaks, they turn them down because their boyfriends, ""The Black Angels,"" a for-real motorcycle bunch comprised of Big Frank, Big Neal, Big Bruce, and the leader, Big Butch, and responsible for a massacre in

As The Monkees prepare for bed, they are frightened by mysterious noises downstairs. They go downstairs to find Henry Weatherspoon preparing for a séance. Henry orders them to leave by 12:00, because it is in his lease. The Monkees attempts to escape are foiled by Henry's aunt, old Mildred Weatherspoon, and by Henry's cousin, Boris Weatherspoon, a giant over whose mind Henry has total influence, bearing a coffin which contains the corpse of the late Elmer Weatherspoon. The boys make up their minds and stay to witness Elmer's return form the dead, and they imagine a courtroom, with Mike as The Witness and Micky, Davy, and Peter as the barrister, the defendant, and the judge, respectively. Henry reveals that Elmer will return at dawn, heralded by a trumpet; The Monkees' make up their minds again and reattempt to escape but are once again stopped by Boris, bearing suitcases full of his lunch. Peter sneezes and Mildred piles him with all sorts of remedies. Davy does a dance with Boris to t

When half their audience—one patron—walks out, The Monkees lose their jobs as musicians at a waterfront café, and Micky, Peter and Davy drown their sorrows in buttermilk. Then they overhear two tough sailors, Harry Hooker and Frank Reynolds, declaring they need strong guys with the ability to use their hands and knowledge of the Seven Seas. Presenting themselves as sailors, the boys sign on with the sailors and are ordered to report to Pier 3 at 6 in the morning. Once aboard the schooner with Mike, The Monkees wreck a mainsail trying to hoist and unfurl it. Then Mike gets seasick on seasick pills and goes to the galley to rest (where he stays for the remainder of the episode!), and the boys' ignorance during roll call lands them in all in serious trouble. As punishment for disobeying orders to cut their long hair, the tyrannical captain orders Micky, Peter and Davy to be keelhauled and lashed 10 times for insubordination, plus 10 more strokes if they laugh. Davy harshly criticizes this

After a 3-day drive on a golf cart, The Monkees arrive in Texas, at the ranch owned by Mike's Aunt Kate Nesmith, who orders them to grab rifles - Micky takes a Winchester '73, Davy chooses a Colt .45, Mike picks a Smith and Wesson .38, and Peter grabs a bottle of Vintage '66 - and help drive off Black Bart and his masked riders Red and Sneak, who are trying to drive Kate and her daughter Lucy off and take over the ranch. Bart, Red and Sneak set a kitchen sink afire and wheels it towards the Nesmith ranch, but Davy saves the day by turning on the sink's faucets, dousing the flames. Frightened, Black Bart and his minions beat a hasty retreat. Peter, Davy and Micky want to cut out, too, but Mike insists they must stay, simply because ""a man's first obligation is to his kinfolk, and because it's better to have a brave death than a cowardly life. And besides that, they killed our golf cart!"" Mike and Davy hold the fort at the ranch with Kate and Lucy, while Micky and Peter, incognito as The

Prologue: Las Vegas. Pleasure capital of the world, where each man seeks the things he loves most. [Peter follows a girl.] The things he loves most. [Michael follows a girl.] The things he loves most! [David follows a girl.] But all is not fun and games in the gambling capital of the world: while some pursue their pleasures, others pursue their greed. A hideaway on the other side of town... The Monkees go to Las Vegas on an engagement. The Boss, a top mobster and crooked gambler, tells his man Biggy that he has a Roulette wheel automatically fixed to land at 16-Red for five minutes starting at 8:00. Micky plays the slot machines with Zelda, a showgirl, and wins a bagful of coins, and Zelda says he has ""magic fingers."" While explaining to Mike, Micky accidentally puts the bag on the Roulette table on 16-Red—in the place of Biggy, standing next to him—and keeps winning until he breaks the bank. The Boss orders Biggy to get Della The Decoy to swipe the money away from Micky. Posing as a

At the Vandersnoot mansion on Christmas Eve, Mrs. Vandersnoot pays The Monkees $100 each in advance to stay with her nephew, Melvin, who refuses to go with her on a Christmas cruise. A cynical twelve-year-old soured on the whole Christmas racket, Melvin resists all The Monkees' efforts to entertain him. Sure the rich kid will enjoy Christmas shopping, The Monkees take him to a department store. There Peter tries out a motorcycle but goes too fast, and he almost wrecks the place and knocks himself unconscious, while Melvin remains a bored onlooker. When The Monkees are charged $320 for damages by the department store ($20 more for the stretcher Mike and Davy use to haul Peter) and $19.95 by a doctor for Peter's examination, Melvin thinks the boys are stupid to feel Christmas is special. The boys then discover Melvin doesn't know how to smile, and decide to show him the true meanings of Christmas. The quartet ventures into a car lot full of evergreen trees to pick one out for purchase. M

In a Monkee spoof on fairy tales (acted out in pantomime), Mike is a cobbler; Davy is a tailor, and Micky an innkeeper in the town of Avon on the Calling. Peter is a vagrant, because his concentrations on getting a job are stunted by his admirations for Gwen, a beautiful, yet selfish, conceited and overbearing princess. She disdains his offer to carry her across the mud, but honors his spine with a walk across it, followed by Harold, a knight, a troop of the soldiers, and Gwen's fiancé. At Micky's Inn, Peter learns that Harold plans to do away with his fiancée and tries to warn Gwen but he is interrupted by Harold's arrival. Just as they prepare to leave, the princess tosses him a Magic Locket. Peter tells his mates of the danger of the princess. He bites the Magic Locket, releasing a fairy, in curlers because she was having her hair done. She tells the boys how to save the Princess, but warns she'll be killed if Peter drops, crushes, or loses the locket, because she lives there. While

Introduced by Mike Nesmith (who makes his only appearance in this episode in its teaser and its tag), the Secretary for the Dept. of UFO Information (Paulsen) makes an opening statement: ""I've come before these cameras tonight to tell you that you and that we, both human beings and animals, are not alone. At this very moment, walking upon the face of Mother Earth, are aliens from outer space. You may pooh-pooh this statement, but I must say emphatically [He pounds his fist lightly on his desk.], don't pooh-pooh it! Day by day there is increasing evidence of the alienation of our planet. Many of us blame our leaders. Many of our leaders blame us. But the truth lies, as always, beyond our reach. We are being attacked by outer space. These invaders, these aliens from outer space, have cleverly…ly… infiltrated our societies, preying mostly upon the innocence of our youth, because they know they'll try anything. I have for you a documented film report. See before you three average typical y

Loreli lures Davy to the castle of her uncle, The Count Dracula from Transylvania, where Wolfman, The Mummy, and Frankenstein's Monster await fresh blood. The Drac promises Wolfman someone else and tries to teach Davy how to drink blood and fly like a bat. Back at The Monkees' pad, Micky and Peter begin to worry. Davy decides to call the folks at the castle, but when he hears Dracula's laughter, he declares that once again Courageous American Youth leaps into the fore...""or five!"" Arriving at the castle, the three plan Davy's rescue, as Drac and Loreli take notes. Davy, chained in the basement, turns Wolfman against Dracula for not giving him second billing in the pictures they made together. When Wolfman leaps at Loreli, she promises him a better percentage of the profits, cookouts on weekends, and the right to play his own music. Then, up above in the library, she uses the necklace on Peter. Wolfman pounces, but Dracula distracts him with a link of hot dogs and drags Peter to the lab

This is a Monkee takeoff on the classic William Jacobs horror tale. Having listened to The Monkees' playing and singing ""Goin' Down,"" the manager hires them and fires Mendrek, a broken-down magician. Pitying him, The Monkees console the magician, who relates in flashback - with Mike as The Regular Llama and Micky as young Mendrek - how, while searching for the unknown secrets in far Tibet, he acquired a very special monkey's paw, which the boys buy for $0.25. The paw starts working for The Monkees, who wish that their union dues were paid and the manager arrives and says he'll pay their dues with their first week's salary, and a 142% kickback on the cash loan. Mendrek's daughter reminds him of the paw's curse, but the magician feels that, having rid himself of the paw, his luck should immediately change. He suddenly wins $1 million in an over-the-phone contest! Meanwhile, Micky wishes for a big dinner and is deluged with spaghetti (""Well, I didn't wish for how it should be served!""). B

Based loosely on Stephen Vincent Benet's fantasy novel (and the Oscar-winning 1941 RKO movie it spawned) The Devil and Daniel Webster. At Mr. Zero's Pawn Shop, Peter falls in love with a golden harp. Learning Peter has no money, Zero produces a contract, which Peter signs. At the pad, Micky, Mike and Davy remind him that he can't play the harp and urge him to return it. Suddenly, Zero appears in a puff of smoke, and, at his command, Peter plays beautifully. Zero disappears and the boys are immediately booked into a harp act, which is an instant overnight success. The next evening, Zero appears again and, revealing himself to be Beelzebub, presents the contract, which states that Peter's soul is to be delivered by midnight. In a musical fantasy set to ""Salesman,"" Zero, with horns and a tail, and his handmaidens, with pitchforks, chase The Monkees through smoke and flame into a Hall of Mirrors. Returned to reality and their pad, The Monkees realize that the one thing that's scarier than

As The Monkees work on The Monkeemobile, Davy gets a call from T.N. Crumpets, his grandfather's friend and England's major racing driver. At the track, the quartet meets Crumpets and sees that his car (#54) is blown up; they immediately suspect it was the work of saboteurs. At their garage, Baron Von Klutz and Wolfgang, both of whom served as officers in The Third Reich, work on The Klutzmobile (#13). Through a periscope they watch The Monkees as amateur grease monkees, clumsily working on Crumpets' car. Back at Crumpets' garage, The Monkees have nonchalantly taken Crumpets' engine apart - Micky removes a tiger tail in the process! - but still can't get it working again. When The Baron and Wolfgang come over to find out about the sad condition of Crumpets' car, The Monkees throw the car's engine parts about to allay their suspicions, saying it's a way to get rid of excess. When, after a while, Micky starts the engine running again with his hand, Coruthers, the butler, brings tea to cel

As Micky, Mike and Davy play checkers, Peter runs in with an ultimatum telling them to give up the secret microfilm and get off the ranch or they will be killed. They react unenthusiastically when set upon by Artie, the guest villain, and they express to their key director, James Frawley, their frustration with the repetitious scenarios. They decide to take their modness to the French capital for a vacation, and as soon as they arrive, the pace is as frantic as The Beatles' hardest day's night as Veronique, Karine, Carole and Francoise pursue them through a meat market over the melodies of ""Love Is Only Sleeping."" Meanwhile, on the set of The Monkees' pad, Jim Frawley phones producer Bob Rafelson over the phone and informs him of the boys' departure. Back in Gay Paree, Micky, Mike, Peter and Davy escape on a truck and pile onto a canal barge, which sails on the River Seine. The girls follow and it seems they have the boys trapped, but they immediately leap onto the mainland, leaving th

As The Monkees rehearse, Mr. Friar, who has a habit of fainting, arrives and informs Davy that Young Lord Malcolm Kibee has passed on and willed him his estate. Davy and Friar fly to England first class, while Micky, Mike and Peter, lacking air fare, travel in mummy cases. At English customs, Davy recognizes the customs man as Jack Williams, The Monkees show's property master, to which the latter replies, ""Look, sweetie, I may be Jack Williams The Property Man to you, but to 20 million teenagers, I'm The Customs Man."" Then, with a surprisingly convincing impression of Dean Martin, breaks out a fine rendition of his closing theme, ""Ev'rybody Wants Somebody Sometime,"" which has him mobbed by Micky! At Kibee Manor, the nearsighted old butler greets Davy, but shakes hands with a twig. Sir Twiggly Toppin Middle Bottom, the executor, reads the will leaving Kibee Manor to Davy on condition he lives there for five years; if he doesn't, the villagers must buy it for £50,000 otherwise the Lord's

The Monkees try to enter a KXIW Rockathon contest for a $500 prize, but Jerry Blavat, a DJ who is also the MC, insists it's only for groups of mixed sex, and they must have a girl. They change Davy's appearance and teach him a mincing walk, using a rope, frying pans, and a heavy book. At the contest, The Monkees present Davy as Miss Jones and are officially qualified. In the Rockathon, the boys watch The West Minstrel Abbies, 3 girls and a boy respectively comprised of Harmony, Melody, Caphophone, and William McCochran (who is actually Daphne, a drag king), do a speedy rendition of ""Last Train To Clarksville"" at 78 RPM. The Monkees go on with their act, singing ""The Door Into Summer"" and doing everything possible to keep Davy from escaping. The bands both tie for first place (with a 98.6!), and must appear for a rematch. At the pad, Jerry Blavat shows up. While Micky, Mike and Peter hide, Jerry offers to take ""Miss Jones"" out on a date, which Davy turns down. Davy won't go out with the

Unable to write a song for his mates, Peter consults The Great Oracullo at his House Of Mysteries. Learning The Monkees are due to be booked at The Club Cassandra, a nightclub, for a ten-week gig, the hypnotist decides to take over their spot. He laces a cup of tea with a formula that induces hypnosis and gives it to Peter, who drinks it and becomes paralyzed under Oracullo's spell. During The Monkees' audition at The Cassandra, Peter puts on his bass backwards, thumbs his nose, crows like a rooster, and breaks one of Micky's drums. Latham, the manager, turns them down and views Oracullo's act, which he signs up. Learning that Peter's mind has been freaked, Micky, Michael and David, determined to rescue him, lure Oracullo to the pad where Michael detains him with a story about his losing his memory in a horrible accident while carrying a briefcase containing $50,000 in cash, and is now willing to give half of it to the person who'll help him find it. In Oracullo's absence, David and Mi